Dear Lisa Ann: Getting too serious, too fast; rules for ‘naughty’ married couples; and when (and when not) to give friends love advice

Former No. 1 Adult Film Star Lisa Ann has been putting the “fantasy” in SiriusXM’s Fantasy Sports Radio every Monday night at 10 pm ET for awhile now, but she also knows a thing or two about real life. Each week, she’ll be answering your burning questions about sex, relationships and her personal life. This time around, she’s tackling: The difference between Facebook friends vs. real friends, managing her Psoriasis, and the after effects of a career in the adult film industry.

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Dear Lisa Ann,

My boss has a type: pretty girls who are jealous and treat him poorly. He stays with these girls as they break things off and then come back to him; the current one even gets mad when he gets texts or calls from his mom or sister!

We all think he can do better and that he should break things off with his current harpy, but he says he is in love (but it’s been a year and a half full of strife). These girls also take advantage of him financially, demanding large gifts and expensive dinners – and he gets mean texts and crying in response whenever a girl he works with says hi in public or something small is misinterpreted. What can we do? Are some people just drawn to those that treat them badly?

– Caring Friend

Dear Caring Friend,

First, let me start by saying it is nice to see how much you care about your boss. It is common that we care about someone and often witness things that we think can be prevented, but we have to let others live. Everyone has a different concept of what works for them, and though it may not always be easy to sit back and witness it, our friends need our unconditional love and friendship. We have to reward their successes as well as witness their failures, and that is one of those “easier said than done” aspects of life.

My advice to you is just be a friend – free of judgment, full of support. We all live and learn best by example, with that said, set an example. Keep your life free of drama, full of love and happiness. When and if your boss comes to you for advice, don’t point fingers and don’t point blame, just listen and continue to reinforce positive thoughts and wisdom. I have witnessed friends who I think pick relationships that don’t work because of something they saw when they were growing up. As crazy as this sounds, some people don’t feel the love without the drama. It becomes a habit, but habits can be broken over time. Just give it time, always be supportive, even if you don’t agree with the scenario, you do agree with how much you care about your boss. That is all that matters. We can’t control the choices of others, but we can control how we react to them. Being a good friend isn’t about agreeing with everything, it is about being supportive and judgment free.

– Lisa Ann

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How do you stay in such great shape?  I follow you on Twitter! You’re beautiful.

– Fan of Fitness

Dear Fan of Fitness,

Fitness is a way of life for me. I learned years ago that having time for myself at the gym is better than any antidepressant could ever be. It is my chance to do something for myself every day; it helps me stay healthy, sleep well and keeps me on track eating all the right foods. I do a minimum of five hours of cardio a week and another five hours of weight training and core work. I love spin class! I was a certified instructor for four years. I also eat a mainly Mediterranean diet – all whole foods, nothing processed, nothing frozen, all fresh.

After many years of living on the road and having to eat out constantly, I really enjoy eating all my meals at home. Since I have had access to this with my new lifestyle, I have watched myself trim down nicely. Making the gym part of your routine is so important, but if you would rather be creative and get outside, you can hike, bike ride or even just walk. I suggest the Fit Bit to anyone new who is trying to make fitness a way of life. The technology really allows you how to track your progress and stay motivated.

– Lisa Ann

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I am currently having issues finding the right girl for me. Instagram isn’t helping. I don’t know why I am coming to you, but you seem like you could eat my soul out.

– In Search of Girl (Hunstville, AL)

Dear In Search of Girl,

Well, coming from a generation before the Internet, before apps and before social media, I can say the best relationships I have witnessed came from the good old fashioned way of meeting someone in person. I am not here to discount the success of some dating websites, but I do want to clarify Instagram is not one of them. Sorry Instagram, not a slight on you at all, just a point I need to make.

Meeting the right girl and potentially landing a positive, loving relationship is going to take a little more effort than liking some doctored photos on Instagram. Get out there, join a gym, hit some local events, join a volunteer group. Don’t be lazy, put your phone down, get off your butt and get out there.

You can’t allow your future to rely on an app. If this is something you really want, you are going to have to work at it. Once you start to venture out there and meet people, you can make some new friends, meet their friends, and the web of networking and communication will begin to grow. You also need to have some patience, your mantra: “All good things come to those who wait.” Wait for it, build it, get out there. Stop relying on Instagram to provide you with the future of your dreams.

– Lisa An

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Dear Lisa Ann, 

Thanks so much for answering questions from your fans!  My wife and I like to keep things open and fun at times!  We will play naughty with couples, women and men, but we always do it together!  A husband of a couple we have had fun with is traveling to NYC on business solo, and wants my wife to meet for some fun one on one!  

There is a piece of me that is okay with it, and I think it will be a “turn on” when my wife comes home and tells me the story, but I’m not sure about starting one on one stuff!  Wifey seems to be into it but not sure also!  

What’re your thoughts gorgeous??  We are big fans, love to watch your movies and scenes!

– Naughty Couple

Dear Naughty Couple,

In my previous career, I come from a world of many open relationships, but I have to be real and tell you the best relationships I am surrounded by are pretty old fashioned, and they stick to the basics, just pleasing each other. Now with that said, I am not saying you are wrong, because if this is working for you, then I am not here to take that away.

If what you have been doing is working, then what you are about to do takes you into a world you have not yet ventured into, and you have to take into consideration the potential risks involved. If this is something you choose to do, then I suggest you establish some boundaries. I suggest you are both very clear about having “safe sex” by using protection so no one brings anything home to the other person.

Once this step is taken, it can’t be taken back. As fun as it might sound now, there is something very sacred about what you are about to relinquish. When you got married, part of that was sexual, and with limits, you have ventured out of that together, as a couple. Once one-on-one interaction happens without being “together” as a couple, there is no turning back.

When I was married, we had a somewhat open relationship, but only when we were together. Never separate, never were we alone with another person without each other involved. I can honestly say that after time it caused complications, which we finally realized we could never take away. It added to a list of things that ultimately broke us apart. I do see and hear about open sexual relationships in marriages more now than ever, and I support whatever works for each individual relationship, but I do want to say this. So far you have been a witness and have been able to protect your wife while in these situations. With safety as a concern, please be sure to have clear communication with everyone involved. This is a big step and I advise you to proceed with caution. Good luck!

– Lisa Ann

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Really need tips, relationship wise – I go too serious, too quick!

– Too Serious Too Quick

Dear Too Serious Too Quick,

I chose this question because ironically I am getting hundreds of these same questions from guys. Yours was the most direct and to the point, so I am using it to reach the masses who are asking the same thing.

All relationships require pace. It is not a race, keep that in mind. It is very easy to find someone you like and want more of them all the time. As sweet as that can sound, it can also be misunderstood as obsessive and can push others away. That is a common tone of this generation. I see it and now I am actually reading it, so my observations have been validated just by reading endless emails on this topic.

I also note this is more of an issue with guys than girls, so I am seeing a little role reversal here. There is a possessive quality in all of us that we often need to talk ourselves off the ledge and allow over time, the obsessive voice, to be silenced. It comes from something else we all have, insecurity. Being more secure with yourself will allow you to let the relationships in your life grow organically.

Rushing things to progress often has the opposite affect and pushes people away from you. As a woman, I can tell you this factoid that may shock you. Almost every woman out there has met a guy who very quickly became obsessed, and that obsession brought up some issues of fear with her.

We have all had a date turned stalker in this day and age, so all guys have to take that into consideration. It is no joke. There is a modern day fear factor woman all face when dating. Don’t be that guy. Be chill, have friendships that consume your time so you are missed by the girl you are dating. The expression “absence makes the heart grow fonder” is real. If you have to say it to yourself like a mantra every time you find yourself wanting to obsess, do it. Pace yourself, and pace the relationship. You will find the relationship growing better over time, than trying to have it all right away.

– Lisa Ann

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